Who am I? Isn’t that the question of the decade? In the literal sense, my name is Lawrence. I’m in my 20s, out of college, and constantly in a state of transitions. And already I’m veering away from the literal sense of who I am. I say transitions, I suppose, because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, or what I want my life to do with me. There are a few truths I’ve figured out about myself: I am overwhelmingly attracted to women, but am afraid of just about everything about them, and especially of sex. This is partly thanks to my wholesome, midwestern (and Catholic) upbringing. I’m not a virgin, thankfully, or else women would probably intimidate me even more than they do already. I have been severely damaged by one relationship in particular, but that’s a story for a whole other day (and I promise, I will tell the story one of these days). Let’s just say it left me with a very strong, very deep-set fear of commitment.
I long for a relationship that is uncomplicated, but so far I’ve only managed such a relationship with my closest friend, Neal, and with the piano. The piano is simplest. It has no wants, and the only thing that I want from it happens to be its entire raison d’etre. It is there so I can play it. I love it unconditionally and it does nothing but give. Neal isn’t quite as simple, but still entirely uncomplicated. I love him unconditionally, as well, and he makes it easy to do so. Nothing divides us. We spend money on each other and expect nothing in return. We very simply enjoy seeing the other happy. And it works. Uncomplicated.
I’ve fallen in love, and more than once I thought I met the proverbial ‘one.’ To this day, I’m not entirely unconvinced that one of those girls actually isn’t ‘the one,’ and my heart is filled with regret and self-loathing for ruining it (yes, I was the dumper), but due to certain circumstances—specifically, that she is currently in a serious relationship with another girl—I’m forced to wonder whether the relationship wasn’t doomed, regardless. She’s the only ex I’ve managed to maintain a somewhat normal friendship with post-breakup, which is simultaneously wonderful and heartbreaking. She was my first real love, though, and that probably means she will be the toughest girl for me to ever get over. There are days when I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone else but her. Obviously, I have a lot to say about her. Look forward to it.
So that’s the basics. ’Lawrence 101,’ if you will. Man, that was tougher than I thought it would be, but it feels good to write things down. Thanks for reading. I hope you’ll continue to do so.
